God's disruption

     My last post was on August 12 and it was more ministry related.  Nothing personal.  I, we have been silent.  I keep seeing blogs from others still in Haiti and some who also have moved back to the states and I can't seem to find any words to put on the screen.  Silence.  It's not fair to those who have been following the ministry and our family.  But I haven't been able to find words to describe the crazy mix of events and emotions we have been working through.  We have been processing this transition through with complete rest in God.  To sum up when asked face to face "how are you doing being back?" is impossible.  To attempt to write in a few words without totally confusing everyone seems insignificant, but I will try.  I need to try because I leave to go back to Haiti on Saturday for five days.  With this return trip, I am taking the next step in processing this move.
     God has been such a huge part of AWAKENHAITI and our family through our move to and now back from Haiti.  While there is peace in being here, there are many things we are relearning or trying to learn differently.  While we know God is asking us to rest, he continues to show us little by little where we go from here.  While there is contentment, there is discomfort.  Haiti is hard.  Haiti is broken. Haiti has a lot of evil and things we don't understand.  But the United States is hard and broken and has many evils as well, they all just look very different.  Now we take what we have experienced and what we have seen and try to figure out how to live here somewhat differently than we did before because in some ways we are different.  You can't possibly live in and through another culture and remain the same.
     I so appreciated the wise words spoken by Pastor Doug Sider this past Sunday; "Sin and evil disrupt life.  God's movement disrupts life as well.  Divine intervention is unsettling and disruptive".  Haiti disrupted our lives.  The good, the bad and the ugly disrupted our lives.  But mostly, God moving disrupted our lives.  Pastor Doug also said, "God delivers us not from something but into something".   We continue to seek God's plan and what he is delivering us into.  We know he is working and moving.  We know he will disrupt our lives again both here and in Haiti, but we have learned how great his grace and peace can be in the disruption.
     I wrote a post in July after returning from Haiti about my last visit with Suzette (for those who have not yet read about Suzette, I have written several posts about her in the past.  She is in stage 4 cervical cancer), but at the time, I couldn't share it.  Now, before I return to visit her, I need to share it.  My last visit with Suzette was perhaps my most significant moment in our 3 years in Haiti because God used Suzette to disrupt my life.  Here it is.

Saying Good bye to Suzette

     Of all the experiences in Haiti thus far, this day was perhaps the most meaningful one.   I was going to see Suzette for the last time for several months or for the last time until we meet in Heaven but I didn’t process before-hand what that would feel like or even what we would say to one another.  I had not even told Suzette yet that we were moving back to America. 

     We greeted one another and I asked how she was feeling.  She seemed to be having a fairly good day.  Her eyes were wide and filled with her usual joy as she lay on her back listening to Lys as she translated from behind what I was explaining.  Suddenly her smile faded and tears began streaming down Suzette’s face.  As I fumbled my way through tears and an explanation of what our family would be doing, she was crying, Lys was crying, and the nurse with me was also crying.  I looked down to also see my precious Brooke crying.  What a sweet moment. 

     Suzette understood all of the reasons of course for our family to be going back to our country and our family and friends. 

     I began telling Suzette that out of all of my experiences in Haiti, she had blessed me the most.  She has challenged my faith and helped me in my journey through her strength and perseverance.  The fact that while everything else around her was falling apart, her faith and joy grew stronger showing me true faith.  It’s a huge blessing. 

     Suzette then thanked me for visiting her over the years.  She said her family doesn’t come around too often and God sent me to lift her.  What a humbling gift to me.

     Through the few years I visited Suzette, she would sometimes share dreams she had with me, dreams that had a message from God.  They were so special and I always felt so privileged to hear them.  So on this last visit she had one last dream to tell me about.  Just the night before, she had a dream that she had met a young woman along a road.  The young woman said to her “ I have traveled with you through some very difficult times and much suffering and now I will set you on a good path.”  At that moment, we made eye contact and without any spoken words, we both knew I was the young woman in the dream. 

     I now know that whatever the good path is:  physical healing or physical death, it’s ok.  I go back to one of my previous posts about Suzette...A man named Zak that had cancer once said, "if God chooses to heal my cancer, God is God and God is Good. If God chooses not to heal my cancer, God is still God and God is still good. To God be the glory."

There’s peace for both of us.  Peace for both of us to know whatever it is, it is better than the past three years have been.  There is peace in knowing my time, my season with her as it was is finished.  I can leave with peace.  I am so grateful for this dream and that she shared it with me.  Because of that dream, I was able to leave Haiti filled with peace.   

Last visit to Suzette's June 27, 2013