Changing lives

I always try to give a summary of the trips we host, giving you and idea of what was accomplished in the tangible sense as well as lives I see being changed around us whether it be Haitians or those serving. But those are my words, my perspective. Today, some members of Team June began sending emails to each other sharing their struggles and how they were feeling since leaving Haiti. One young lady, Nicole, went through a tremendous amount of healing over the past several months, and now, transformation is happening. Today, she shared what she is experiencing. God works in amazing ways when we step out of our norm and open ourselves up to HIM. In Haiti, we don't have all the distractions that are present in North America, perhaps that's why we see him moving and speaking here so clearly to so many.

This is Nicole's summary of her 2 days since leaving Haiti.

"I struggled to even sleep last night knowing I would have to get in my car piled with work papers and gym bags to drive to the same place I did before I left, sitting at the same desk, in the same dimly lit room. As I went to turn on the same radio station that I listen to every morning, it went out. I began to scan through the stations until the scan stopped. All of a sudden, Phil Wickham's "Beautiful" sang out, reminding me of singing with a raised hand in our church in Haiti while holding a small wiggling boy and his sunglasses in the other. I broke down. I knew I was not the same, that things had changed inside of me now more than any other trip. I'm not fighting assimilation, I just can't assimilate. I can't go back to the way things were, the person I was, and truthfully, I never want to.



Before I left, I saw holes; holes in everything - work life, car rides, prayer time, Bible devotions and evenings of magazines and TV at home. I was okay with a lifeless routine because it gave me comfort in what I had lost, a false feeling of joy that I could have a new, just as regimented schedule by myself. There were things that weren't right about each part of my life. Either I wasn't really present while completing those tasks, or I saw them as just that: tasks. My life was a to-do list of what was next, only coming after what was checked off as accomplished. I made lists on little post-its of things I had already done on extra rough days.



After crying the whole way to work, I realized that I wasn't crying solely out of a longing to be on a gated truck, riding the potholes to the orphanage, shoveling stones, and painting cubby holes. I was crying for the life God allowed me to see there, for Haitian life, the changing lives of my team members, and the transforming life in myself. Sure, I miss the sun (minus the burns), the community of my greatest friends and new family, the singing, the truck rides, and the meals of fellowship together, but these things all represent something so much greater. This wasn't a trip. This wasn't an 8-day short term solution for my short term desires. I did not go to feel good or to rack it up on my list of places traveled, to come back with pictures and return to pre-trip "normal".



People in my life have said, 'But it was just a week. You always feel funny getting back into your life after vacation.' But I don't feel "funny", I feel ROCKED. My life changed, a long term change that I still can't take complete inventory of. I asked for that, and God was faithful. I asked that He break my heart for what breaks His. I am broken. I think I was crying partially out of praise; celebration in the promise that He will never lie and He will never run. This was not just a trip, but it became part of me, part of my walk, and part of my eternal story (what will get my heart from this life to eternal life).



It makes sense to feel shaken, so I'm trying be peaceful with these feeling of chaos inside of me. I don't feel okay, and I'm glad for it. Part of the processing for me is figuring out what parts of my life seemed "normal" that have been dismantled, why they had to be turned inside out, and asking him to direct me in what to do with those holes in my life and my heart.



I was processing with a few people last night and said that I don't know where to go from here. I'm not quite sure what to do with ALL of this. I think that's part of God's desire for my heart - that I give up my plans for things, seeking His guidance and His will, because I am created as a child of God, and a servant of His heart, not my own. I have lived to long by my failing plans and nights or worry. I'm sure, as Ryan said, there will need to be a new "normal", but I hope that "normal" is rocked often, reminding me of who and what I'm living for."


Nicole