One little baby shoe

After the last few comments about not having power, "let haiti be haiti" yada yada...I've had to be away from the computer for just about a week. Until tonight, we hadn't had city power since last Saturday night...a whole week. We were able to run a small generator and run two extention cords into the house some for a few hours of power to have light in the evening a bit and to return necessary emails and check in with a few board members, but our time was limited and the connection was always bad. I couldn't load pics. The kids only watched a little bit of Saved by the Bell when we could charge the computer battery. We couldn't wash the mountain of sheets and towels left by the last team. Everyone in the family took a turn to hand washed clothes this week except the 13 year (I won't mention any names). I have pics of Jeff and Drew to prove it. We had a few inches of water left in our tanks when the power was restored and we were able to pump more water so we could continue to have running water in the house. We laugh about not having power and water, we may get a little frustrated, but I can't bring myself to complain.
I know too many people who never have power. I know people who only have power during the day from a 5" x 7" solar panel so they can listen to the news on a small radio. I've walked into homes where the only source of cooking is a small stand on which to set one pot over charcoal. I have met people who can't afford to feed their children.
Wednesday when a few of us (mainly myself) was getting a bit grouchy about the pile up of things to be washed, God sent a reminder to our door in the form of a young mom. Those of you who know me well, know my heart for children. I have really developed a burden for moms and their young children since being here. I see so many just doing their best to provide and take care of their kids and struggling to make it.
A few years ago when my sister talked of her adopted children from China...how hard it must have been for their mothers to make the decision to give them up, I couldn't understand. In my naive, judgemental mind, I thought, "how could a mother ever give up her children?". Sharon, now I understand. Now, I get it. But I don't.
This young mother said she heard there was an orphanage at our house and she was looking for medicine for her sick baby, actually came to ask us to take all three of her boys. 7 years old, 4 years old, and the baby just around a year. She has no husband. She lives in a tent with someone else. And now is so desperate giving up her children a better future is her best option, she asks if I would take her baby on the spot. Stunned in disbelief, I understood. Yet I didn't understand. I have no idea what this mother goes through on a day to day basis. I have no idea what these children endure. I have no understanding of what it feels like to feel like giving up my children is my best option, yet I get it. Poverty is complicated. We can't understand all that goes with it, all that is the result of it.
As I stood there in front of this mother asking for help, I had to turn back to a decision made months ago that our children's homes would only take kids who were truly orphaned and tell her "no, I can't take your children, but I'll take your friend's phone number in case I find someone who can". The mom's response, "I will pray that God brings someone".
After we sent her away, and I began processing what just occurred, I became very angry at God. Why was He showing me this? Why was this asked of me? Why do these people suffer? What does it mean to truly be orphaned anyway? that your parents are both deceased or that dad is not around and mom can't do it and is going to give her kids up regardless of whether I say yes or no? Angry. Broken. Hurt. Confused. What was I supposed to do? If I say yes, when will the next one show up at our door? If I say no, it haunts me to think about where they are a few months from now. I'm caught somewhere in this gray middle of "what would Jesus do?" and being realistic about the number of kids we can care for and the ramifications of saying yes everytime and in all situations.

The following morning upon returning to the place I stood in front of that mom and said "no", there was ONE LITTLE BABY SHOE. I haven't been able to pick it up and do something with it, until now. I will pray for this little baby and his brothers as I look at this ONE LITTLE BABY SHOE until God sends someone to help.
I can't say how this whole thing affected the other adults in the house that witnessed the same thing I did, but for this mom, it left me broken and seeking God's all surpassing wisdom and grace.